Guest Post from Janice
Mother’s Day is not a happy day for me or many others that I know. When my daughter was born, when each of them was born, were such happy days for me. This is a picture of me with Heather when she was a few years old. Even then, she always had a smile on her face. She loved her picture being taken, and while I didn’t really care for mine, I’m still glad for each picture that I have of her. They are treasures.
Let me tell you a little story. Years ago, my own Mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer and she wasn’t given too long to live. She amazed us all and made it for about 11 years before her life consisted of getting up to go to dialysis and then just be too exhausted to do anything else, until a couple of days later, when she was back in dialysis. She decided to stop the dialysis because there was no more quality of life. It was a miserable existence for her and on October 3, 2015, cancer won and my Mom was at peace and in Heaven. Most likely the first thing she did was visit with her own parents and then some friends and family that were there waiting to be with her.
It hurt to know she was gone. For quite a while we didn’t even speak. We had some disagreements and, while I would give anything to have her back with me, at least by the time she was taken from us, she knew that I loved her and we spoke every week. (Remember, she was still having dialysis 3 times a week and on the 7th day, she was the least tired, so I would talk with her then. I still talk with her, but it’s just a one-way conversation. For many, like me, Mother’s Day is a reminder that you won’t be talking to them. You won’t be wishing them a Happy Mother’s Day with a gift, a phone call – those are not options anymore.
I wish I could tell you that was the sole reason that Mother’s Day is a hard day for me. About 3 weeks after I lost my Mom, I lost my youngest, Heather, at age 22 to suicide. We were the “lucky” ones and we received a few notes from her. She didn’t want to be in this world. It was not the world that made her happy. I think one of the hardest phone calls to make to let my friends and family know was the one to my father. I remember picking up the phone and just wanting, no needing, to talk with my Mom. I couldn’t do that. She was already in Heaven giving my daughter the hugs that I wanted to give her.
I lost Heather just over 18 months ago and it’s still painful. The hole in my heart won’t heal. I’ve already accepted that it will never heal. Yes, I still have 2 great daughters and a wonderful grandson. I am still blessed with fantastic kids. This Mother’s Day, I will talk to my oldest on the phone or maybe on a live chat as she lives in Florida and we live in New Jersey. I do look forward to seeing her in June when she comes up to visit. I will spend time with my other daughter, Amy, and try to make her Mother’s Day happy. She’s a great Mom to my grandson. In reality, I want to be able to crawl under the blankets and just cry the day away for the pain I feel missing Heather.
Heather was the one (we all have one) that says, you know I’m Mom’s favorite. With Mother’s Day around the corner, I see so many mugs, etc., with these sayings on them, and they just make me miss her all the more. She would break into my Facebook and post that she was my favorite on my wall. What I wouldn’t give to have her do that again. Heather always wanted to make sure that she gave me the first text message of the day so right at midnight, she would text me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Yeah, those texts don’t come anymore either.
While I do wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all of you, there are many of us around that are living in pain. This is a hard holiday for many. I was asked to share a post with another blogger and this is the post. I have my own blog that you can find on HelpStopThePain.com. Someone had told me when this first happened to write down everything and you can find the story of my first 6 months, for free, on my blog by clicking here. So please, in all the celebrations around this holiday, remember and pray for those that are having a hard time this holiday.
If you are in crisis, in the USA, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or Text Free 24/7 a day – START – to 741-741
#SomeoneIsAlwaysListening #StopSuicide #SuicideAwareness
Visit Janice on her blog at Help Stop the Pain and help bring more awareness to the pain of suicide.